Masculinity is a complex and often misunderstood concept. In today’s world, where the roles and expectations of men are continuously evolving, it’s easy to feel lost or unsure about what it means to be a man. For many, traditional ideas of masculinity—strength, stoicism, and self-reliance—no longer seem to fit, while newer models might feel incomplete or unsatisfying. It’s in this space of uncertainty that therapy offers a powerful guide for men seeking to reconnect with a sense of authentic, positive masculinity.
Life’s struggles are not just obstacles to overcome but opportunities for deep growth and transformation. My therapeutic vision of masculinity provides a framework for understanding the trials and challenges that men face, and how these experiences can help forge a more resilient and authentic sense of self.
The Wild Man and the Journey of Self-Discovery
Robert Bly's book, Iron John is steeped in myth, using the story of the Wild Man—a figure from an old German folktale—as a metaphor for the deep, often untapped aspects of masculinity. Bly suggests that modern men have become disconnected from their “wild” side, not in the sense of being unruly or out of control, but in the sense of being deeply connected to their instincts, emotions, and inner strength.
The journey of the young man in the Iron John tale, who releases the Wild Man from his cage and follows him into the forest, represents the path of self-discovery that every man must take. This journey isn’t about becoming a stereotypical “macho” figure; rather, it’s about reclaiming a sense of wholeness by integrating all parts of oneself—the strong and the vulnerable, the rational and the instinctual.
In a world that often pressures men to conform to narrow definitions of masculinity, Bly’s concept of the Wild Man serves as a reminder that true strength comes from within, and that it’s okay—necessary, even—to explore and embrace the full spectrum of one’s emotions and experiences.
Positive Masculinity: Beyond the Stereotypes
Positive masculinity isn’t about rejecting traditional masculine traits but rather understanding and reinterpreting them in a way that aligns with your true self. It’s about moving beyond stereotypes and embracing a balanced approach to being a man—one that values compassion as much as courage, vulnerability as much as resilience.
The importance of mentorship and the role of older men in guiding younger men through their journey is often undervalued and misunderstood, or absent altogether. This is crucial because positive masculinity doesn’t develop in isolation—it’s nurtured through relationships, community, and shared wisdom. The process of becoming a man, involves initiation—not in the sense of a formal ceremony, but in the sense of life experiences that challenge us, teach us, and ultimately, transform us.
In therapy, I often work with men who feel disconnected from themselves or unsure about their place in the world. By exploring the concept of positive masculinity, we work together to identify the strengths they already possess and to develop new ways of relating to themselves and others that feel authentic and fulfilling.
The Transformative Power of Challenges
Life is full of challenges, and for men, these challenges often revolve around expectations—what society expects, what family expects, and what they expect of themselves. Therapy invites men to see these challenges not as burdens, but as opportunities for growth.
For instance, many men struggle with vulnerability, fearing that it’s a sign of weakness. But in reality, vulnerability is one of the most powerful tools for connection and growth. By allowing themselves to be vulnerable, men can forge deeper, more meaningful relationships and build a more authentic sense of self.
Similarly, Bly’s work encourages men to reclaim their emotions. Anger, sadness, fear—these are not signs of failure but natural, human experiences that can provide valuable insights into who we are and what we need. By facing these emotions head-on, rather than suppressing them, men can learn to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and understanding.
Reconnecting with the Wild Man Within
The journey to positive masculinity isn’t about fitting into a predefined mould; it’s about discovering your own path. Therapy offers a roadmap for this journey, encouraging men to reconnect with the Wild Man within—the part of themselves that is raw, instinctual, and deeply powerful.
This isn’t about abandoning modern life or rejecting the progress we’ve made in understanding gender and identity. Instead, it’s about integrating the wisdom of the past with the realities of the present, creating a new vision of masculinity that is both strong and compassionate, independent and connected.
In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen how transformative this journey can be. When men are willing to confront their fears, embrace their vulnerabilities, and explore their inner world, they often discover a sense of peace and purpose that had eluded them. They learn that true masculinity isn’t about dominance or detachment, but about balance, empathy, and self-awareness.
Moving Forward: Embracing Your Masculinity
If you’re a man who feels disconnected from your sense of self, or if you’re struggling with the pressures and expectations of masculinity, I encourage you to explore these concepts in therapy. Use them as a starting point for your own journey of self-discovery. Ask yourself: What does it mean to be a man in your own life? What aspects of the Wild Man within you have been caged, and how can you begin to free them?
Life’s struggles are inevitable, but they are also the crucibles in which our true selves are forged. By embracing the challenges of life with courage and honesty, you can build a more resilient, authentic, and fulfilling masculinity—one that honours both your strengths and your vulnerabilities, and that allows you to live fully and freely.
Remember, the journey to positive masculinity is not a destination but a continuous process of growth and self-discovery. And on this journey, you are not alone. There is wisdom in the old tales, support in the present, and hope for the future. Let the Wild Man guide you—not into chaos, but into the deep, transformative power of being fully, authentically you.
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