Parenting is often described as the most rewarding yet challenging journey we can embark on. But what makes it so complex isn’t just the day-to-day responsibilities or the endless decisions we have to make; it’s the invisible threads that tie our own experiences as children to how we raise our own children. Whether we realize it or not, much of what we know about parenting—how we nurture, discipline, and relate to our children—comes from how we were parented.
As a therapist, I’ve seen time and again how the patterns, beliefs, and behaviours passed down from one generation to the next can shape the way we parent. This isn’t about pointing fingers or assigning blame. Rather, it’s about understanding where our instincts come from and deciding, with intention, what we want to carry forward and what we want to change.
The Legacy of Our Childhood
From the moment we’re born, our parents or primary caregivers are our first and most influential teachers. We learn about love, trust, boundaries, and even our own self-worth through our interactions with them. These early experiences create a blueprint in our minds—a set of unconscious beliefs and expectations that can deeply influence how we parent.
If you were raised in a nurturing and supportive environment, where your needs were met with love and understanding, you might naturally carry those practices into your own parenting. On the other hand, if you grew up in a home where emotions were dismissed, or where discipline was harsh, those experiences might also shape your approach to parenting—whether you realize it or not.
Repeating the Patterns
One of the most common challenges parents face is the unintentional repetition of the very patterns they experienced as children. You might find yourself reacting to your child’s behaviour in ways that echo how your parents responded to you—whether it’s raising your voice, withdrawing affection, or feeling overwhelmed by the weight of parental responsibility.
These patterns are often deeply ingrained, rooted in the lessons we learned about what it means to be a parent. If you were raised with the belief that “children should be seen and not heard,” you might struggle to give your own children the space to express themselves. If your parents were overprotective, you might find it difficult to allow your children the independence they need to grow.
It’s important to recognize that these patterns don’t emerge because we lack love for our children. Quite the opposite—they often stem from a deep desire to do what we believe is best, even if those beliefs are shaped by outdated or unhelpful models of parenting.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news is that while we may have inherited certain parenting styles from our parents, we also have the power to change them. This process begins with awareness—taking a step back to reflect on how your own upbringing influences your parenting choices.
Ask yourself:
- What beliefs about parenting did I learn from my parents?
- How do I feel about those beliefs now?
- Are there aspects of my parenting that feel automatic or reactive, rather than intentional?
- What kind of parent do I want to be, and how does that align with or differ from how I was raised?
These questions aren’t always easy to answer, and the process of change can be challenging. It requires us to confront not only the ways we were parented but also the deep emotions and memories that come with those experiences. However, this reflection is a crucial step toward creating a parenting style that aligns with your values and the needs of your children.
The Transformative Power of Parenting
Parenting isn’t just about raising children; it’s also an opportunity for profound personal growth. As you work to break old patterns and establish new ones, you’re not just shaping your child’s future—you’re also healing your own past.
Every time you choose to respond to your child with patience instead of frustration, or empathy instead of criticism, you’re rewriting the script of your own upbringing. This process isn’t about being perfect—no parent is. It’s about being conscious and intentional in your choices, even when it’s difficult.
Parenting can be one of life’s greatest challenges, but it’s also one of its greatest opportunities for transformation. The struggles you face as a parent can help you build resilience, not just in your children, but in yourself. By confronting the patterns of the past and choosing a new path forward, you’re not only creating a healthier environment for your children but also fostering your own growth and healing.
Moving Forward with Intention
The relationship between how we were parented and how we parent is complex, but it’s not deterministic. You have the power to take the best of what you learned from your parents and leave behind what no longer serves you. By approaching parenting with awareness and intention, you can create a nurturing, supportive environment that reflects your deepest values and aspirations.
If you’re struggling with this process, know that you’re not alone. Many parents find themselves wrestling with the legacies of their upbringing, unsure of how to break free from old patterns. Therapy can offer a safe, supportive space to explore these issues, gain insight into your parenting style, and develop new strategies that align with the parent you want to be.
In the end, parenting is as much about growing ourselves as it is about guiding our children. By embracing the challenges and reflecting on our own experiences, we can not only raise resilient, confident children but also become the best versions of ourselves in the process.
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